Angel Number

The first spell I learned

Was when my friend pointed at a digital clock and said,

“Eleven eleven. Make a wish.”

11:11

One one one one

In every half second

My heart prays eleven times eleven times

That you were still alive

I don’t wish that you would come back

Because every story that told the tale of bringing someone back to life from the dead

Told us that the laws of the universe are not to be trifled with.

Even still…

11:11

I wish I could hear you be mad at me one more time.

The angriest you would ever get

Would be to say in a low, calm voice

“I have a bone to pick with you.”

I’m picking at food

And losing weight

Hearing a ringing in my ears

And growing gray hairs

And the changes in my body are articulating the grief from this loss

That my brain doesn’t have the adjectives or hours or philosophical concepts for

11:11

I can’t wish for you to still be here

But I can wish that you’re happy and safe.

I think you are.

The morning after you died,

Before the sky turned from dark to light,

I saw you in a dream

And you were dressed for the autumn and you smiled as you said

Goodbye

And I knew it was really you in that dream

Because you barely let me hug you, just like in real life,

And I didn’t want to let you go but

I did anyway

Because I saw you were happy

And I knew you’d be okay.

11:11

I wish I will be as happy here as you are now but I know that this world is not built for that kind of peace

So instead

11:11

I wish that I will know how to become the person you always believed me to be

Who knew I could ride a bicycle before you taught me

Before I was brave enough to tell you to let go

Of the handlebars

11:11

I wish for peace

For sanity

For clarity

That I will integrate this universe-cracking,

Mind-breaking grief

Into a life that is good, honest, and whole

I wish that even though I will never meet you here again

That I will carry your legacy of love in the way I love my family and friends and community

11:11

I wish that when people see me, they will know I was raised and shaped by a person who was always

Too good for this world

But who still left too soon,

Before any of us were ready.

11:11

I pray you have peace

I pray we will love each other the way you love us

11:11

I don’t wish for the pain to go away

I just wish

To be able to keep living with the memory of you

As my comfort and friend

11:11

11:11

One day

I will see you again